Doctor Love takes on socialism, journalism

(Originally ran on April 7th, 2003)

I've tried hard to hide it, but apparently my raw, masculine appeal has made itself known through my columns this year. For some reason, the vast majority of my feedback e-mails are requests for love advice. Now, I do not refute the impression that I am a suave Machiavellian master of intergender relations, but never once have I advertised my services as a distributor of relationship advice. However, I must respond to my constituency, and hereby do my best to answer your pleas. Here goes:

Dear Josh,

There is a boy on campus I'm interested in dating, but I found out that he's a journalism major. My friends have advised me to at least find out if he's a good kisser, but I feel unjustified in pursuing a relationship that may not provide me with financial stability in the future. What should I do?

Sincerely, Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

It is obvious that your error is in pursuing a man who has chosen unemployment as his future career. A typical university offers three types of degrees: employable (engineering), unemployable (journalism) and "I give up" (musical theater). For one with an unemployable degree to be successful, he must be prepared to accept an unrelated career to pay bills, such as

telemarketing.

If your man has this plan, proceed, but I wouldn't kiss him otherwise; life already has enough pain in store for him.

Dear Josh,

I've been having some difficulties with my husband, and I don't know where else to turn. For two years I have dutifully cleaned the house and made him dinner. I even made sure to clean late at night after my Domestic Socialists meetings broke up. He never said anything negative to me, so it was a total surprise. I always asked him before I'd make any donations to the Stalinist foundation, and I tried to limit the Marxist doctrines that usually pervaded my conversation. I was never insisting on buying new clothes, because I always said that my khaki fatigues suited me just fine. I've asked everyone, even my tennis pro, and no one knows how it happened. But I haven't seen him in six months, and I really miss him. Plus, I think he took my Bing Crosby records.

Sincerely, Lonely

Dear Lonely,

Political extremism can be a difficult strain on a marriage. Have you considered the Democratic Party?

Dear Josh,

This is a little embarrassing for me, as a guy, but I have some deep, searching questions I've been pondering. I'm a tennis pro, not a model or anything, (though my body fat is very low), but a good-looking guy, nonetheless. I just can't seem to get anywhere with the ladies. The closest thing I've had to a relationship is this middle-aged socialist I teach. She's a nice gal, and I'm all for open-mindedness, but older women intimidate me intellectually, and base as it may be, I feel the need to lead out in a relationship. It's just that with girls my age, I can't seem to relate. Any ideas?

Sincerely, Out of their league

Dear League Boy,

The reason no girls respect you is because you're a tennis pro. Maybe if you tried a real sport like boxing, your peers would take a second look. But my guess is you're a skinny kid and would get your can kicked on a regular basis. That's even worse than being good at a lame sport. The best shot for you is to stop being sensitive and start using a lot of profanity.

Dear Josh,

I am head over heels for this boy. He is the cutest thing I have ever seen, but I am absolutely scared to death to talk to him. He's a tennis pro at my mother's country club, and I've thought about him every day since I saw him.

In the past, I have really struggled with relationships, particularly when the discussion turns to sensitive subjects like politics and alien abduction. I also feel very self-conscious about the tracking device the aliens left inside my sinus cavities, which makes my voice sound like I'm speaking through a fan. But I really love this boy, and think that under the right circumstances, things could work out. What do I do?

Sincerely, Self-conscious

Dear Self-conscious,

I haven't the foggiest idea. Good luck.