Now that I'm a movie star and an international sex symbol, it's time I put together an entourage. Hanging out on the "Church Ball" set and watching the coverage of Michael Jackson and his Escalade caravan have convinced me that in order to get anything done right these days, you need at least a half-dozen manservants at your beck and call at all times. So after mulling over some of my most important day to day social and professional needs, I've come up with a solid description for each member of my staff. If you think you meet the requirements, and would be interested in the position, please e-mail a resume and cover letter to me at email@example.com. I will hopefully have the full staff in full working order by the beginning of Fall Semester.
FIRST WAVE GUY:
In twelve years of dating, I've singled out a few of my major flaws as a courtier. The first is meeting women. I can carry a conversation like a set of car keys, but the initial approach has proven to be a mini-disaster for me on the social scene. (Naturally, it never occurs to me in the moment that the best pick-up line ever invented is "Hi".) Therefore, I will leave the meeting bit to the First Wave Guy.
Duties: A solid First Wave Guy is always the first to meet any new girl on the scene, and that is exactly what mine will do. He'll pace himself out about ten yards ahead of me at any given time, scanning for potential opportunities. Upon first contact, he'll allow me to transition into the conversation, at which point he will either step aside, or if the girl is with friends, lead them into a separate conversation. In classroom situations, he will be the designated "warm-up act" to prepare my audience for my arrival.
On the movie set I noticed a girl they called the "Continuity Manager". She was in charge of making sure that the details of each shot remained consistent from take to take. Things like where the actor's hair is, how they are postured, stuff like that. I could use a Continuity Manager myself.
Duties: My Continuity Manager will be responsible for making sure that in conversation, I don't repeat the same stories I've already told the same people before. For this reason she'll have to be at my side consistently, and have a sharp sense of attentiveness. She'll also keep track of which jokes generate the best response, charted by a complete breakdown of audience demographics, social context, and time-of-day.
Gender Requirement: It is essential that my CM is female, as she will fulfill the extra role of "Girl Buddy". Guys that have "Girl Buddies" seem much less likely to be psychotic, and seem to get a more positive reception than "Guy Packs" and especially "Solo Guys". I've spent the majority of my career as a "Solo Guy", and trust me, nothing is tougher.
I don't know why this is, but from time to time I catch the back of my T-shirt riding up above my belt, pulling the shirt up and out like some kind of a bizarre man-skirt. I do not like this. It may have something to do with my posture.
Duties: The Shirt Guy will travel approximately five yards behind me at all times, constantly monitoring my "Shirt Status". If in the event of a deep conversation, my shirt rides up, say, after getting up from a couch quickly, the Shirt Guy will quietly step in, make the adjustment, and slip back into his original position.
THEME MUSIC GUY:
This is an idea that has been circulating around in some commercials lately, and I am completely in favor of it. Life should be like the movies. People should have theme music.
Duties: My Theme Music Guy will play "Jungle Boogie" in most instances, occasionally switching in Average White Band's "Pick Up the Pieces" for variety, and "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" for moments of seriousness and gravity. On days I return papers to my students, the Theme Music Guy will play "The Imperial March" from "Star Wars" as I enter the classroom.
Think "Seinfeld" here. My life has a variety of little detail facets that could use attention. Between my wallet, my phone, and my keys, I have enough crap in my pockets as is. They make my pants look bad.
Duties: Besides carrying all of my bulky stuff around, my Scribe Guy will also carry a notebook to take down good ideas I have while out and about. He will also grade all of my student's papers.
The majority cause for fast-food consumption is a lack of time for proper food preparation. How many times have each of us been faced with the prospect of having a meal, only to default to Burger King because we don't want to take the time to make a superior meal ourselves? The Food Guy will make sure I don't have to make another unplanned Run for the Border again, unless I really want it.
Duties: After a rigorous training regimen that includes detailed instruction on the preparation of my favorite meals (such as tacos), the Food Guy will be responsible for coordinating my eating out schedule (making sure I don't go to the same places consecutively or out of proscribed order), as well as gathering and maintaining ingredients for my favorite home-cooked meals. I will do the actual cooking myself, since if you want something as important as chili done right, you'd better do it yourself, by gum.
I won't even try to recount the number of times I've gotten in trouble over the years by saying something at the wrong time and in the wrong company.
Duties: Like the Continuity Manager, the Screener Guy will fill two distinct roles:
1. While on foot, the Screener Guy is responsible for making sure I don't get in trouble for saying anything that could be misinterpreted. If the Screener Guy notices a member of the Green Party, the Los Angeles Lakers, or former "Full House" star Bob Saget nearby, he will alert me immediately.
2. His second responsibility is of equal importance. On the road, the Screener Guy will drive approximately thirty yards ahead of me, clearing the highway of inattentive or arrogant drivers that refuse to get out of the fast lane, thus making sure I have an uninterrupted and enjoyable driving experience.
Additional positions may be made available as future needs present themselves. All salary compensation is currently scheduled to consist of random food storage items and randomly selected Topps football cards from the late 1980's. I reserve the right to turn down any application for any reason, including NBA fan affiliation, ear size, and whether you listen to Toby Keith on a regular basis.