Hot Tubbing at the TSC, and Other Reasonable Demands

(Originally ran on November 17th, 2003)

Here are Josh's fall 2003 suggestions for improving our educational experience at USU:

Idea #1: Turf

One of my roommates informed me that somebody put fake leaves on the grass outside the Haight Alumni Center. I've heard of people using fake snow for aesthetic purposes, but never leaves. I guess the trees weren't fulfilling their fall responsibilities this season.

We should push the whole artificial theme a bit and cover the quad in Astroturf. Last year I suggested that we turn the quad into a multi-level parking garage, but no one listened. Maybe they'll listen to me now. The school could save tons of money on watering bills, and those people that are always playing Ultimate Frisbee would have a good surface to cut and run on. Then if it works out on the quad, we can move it to other places, like the TSC and the Spectrum.

Idea #2: Bums-Up

I like a lot of things about our current intramural sports program, except for dumb things like refs and the double-pass rule in flag football. This spring we should add Bums-Up to our field of options.

If you haven't played Bums-Up, you had a deprived childhood. USU has a chance to remedy this for you. Bums-Up is the greatest schoolyard game ever invented, and all you need is a big wall, a racquetball, and kids with butts.

The game itself is simple as well. Participants take turns throwing the ball against the wall and catching it on the rebound. If you drop the ball, or are dumb enough to not hit the wall when you throw it, you have to run and touch the wall before somebody else picks the ball up and bounces it off of the wall ahead of you. If you can't beat the throw, you get one…something. I don’t know what they're called, but when you get caught five times, you have to go stand with your face against the wall while everyone else gets a free shot at your behind.

This was the game that separated the men from the boys, even if they were girls. And you may not believe it, but eight-year-olds can throw HARD.

Idea #3: Sponsored Roller-Skating

USU should officially sponsor that little roller-skating rink downtown across from the Tabernacle. If they did that, they might be able to put together their own Roller Derby club to go out on the national circuit. Plus it would pour some more money into one of the few places you can take a date around here. Of course, in appreciation for my free publicity, the rink could agree to play only Al Green songs on Friday nights in my honor.

Idea #4: Thai Food and Gyros

While I'm sponsoring people, I might as well say that we should pull some of the franchises in the TSC food court and stick a nice Thai food restaurant in there. My recommendation is the Thai Siam, currently at 14th south and state in Salt Lake. They've got wicked spices, big portions and reasonable prices. If that's no good, go across the street and talk to Shirley at the Greek Souvlaki II: she knows me by name. Trust me, Logan deserves the best gyros in the state.

Idea #5: Hot Tubbing

The TSC patio needs a hot tub. What better way for students and faculty to interact and share insightful academic discussion than in a communal hot tub? We could put in several little ones, but that might encourage cliquishness, so I would recommend a real big one, say for a dozen people.

Idea #6: Classroom Enhancements

I know that there is a big push to integrate technological stuff into our many classrooms, like projectors and computers and TV's, but I think we need to go in a different direction. After teaching English here for the last two years, I think I'd be most interested in shaping my classroom environments after school sporting events. I want to look out at my class and see a brass band, cheerleaders, and fat guys with USU painted on their chests. The class could do cheers in between the sections of my lectures, and the administration could light the "A" up for me when I have a really good class. This would greatly improve the quality of my course instruction.

Idea #7: Statue of David

What better way to greet the world than with a statue of David Hasselhoff, creator of "Baywatch," in front of the Eccles Conference Center?