The Lagoon Syndrome

An amusement park shrouded in mystery and intrigue lies ten miles from Salt Lake. Once part of the desolate landscape that stretched the foot of the Rocky Mountains, the land now swells with dancing lights, adrenaline induced screams, and loud meddles of 80’s rock music under the collective title "Sound Celebration, U.S.A." This is Lagoon. The Mecca of every Utah born child, the financial benefactor of every Davis County teenager; Lagoon is literally paradise on a crust of asphalt.

The role of Lagoon in the field of amusement is not in question. For years it has supplied Utah with ample summer recreation. The question the park presents to those who study it (at least four individuals) is much deeper, namely, the park’s use as an effective dating tool. Extensive research has shown that a date to Lagoon is consistently the defining moment in pre-marital relationships, essentially the "fish or cut bait" point.

After thorough study, we have concluded that the historic explorer Jim Bridger recorded the earliest located example of "Lagoon -Relationship Phenomena". In the midst of his travels, Jim described his awe at the sight of the Great Salt Lake in the midst of a barren desert. Then, to the north, in his own words, "just after the Highway 89 junction with I-15," lay "a peculiar tract of land, that, while physically identical to its surrounding area, seemed to reverberate with a stench of impending doom." At the very moment Jim was exploring this new area, his soon-to-be ex-fiancee was drafting a dear-john letter. Upon receiving the letter through Pony Express-Express Mail (letter delivered in 120 days or your penny back!), Jim wrote this entry in his journal.

"She’d been waiting for me back in Missouri, working as a shoeshine. She claimed that another had stolen her heart, a former colleague of mine, an explorer named Lorne Greene. I was of course devastated. ‘He has adorable toes,’ she wrote, ‘and he can cook waffles in a way you could only dream of.’ My relationship had ended."

Similar scenarios have played out to unsuspecting young males in the years since. But the question remains, why? Our research has generated a brief list of possibilities.

1-The Proximity Factor

A typical ride at Lagoon will seat the male and female quite close together. The physics of the ride (inertia) propels the two bodies together. A person must abandon any notions of personal space when he or she makes the decision to ride attractions such as The Music Express. With such close contact, either party occupies a prime position to discover bald spots, scars, reptilian scales, or other typical flaws that can then destroy any physical attraction of the female towards the male, or vice versa.

2-The Employment Factor

At one point in time, 95% of teens in the Davis County area have either been employed at Dick’s Market in Centerville or at Lagoon in neighboring Farmington. While few dates ever take place in the aisles of Dick’s Market, young couples have a consistent desire to try out Lagoon. The sheer horror of being confronted with a former place of employment can send a former Whack-a-Mole operator screaming into the hills. A laboratory of test subjects -former Lagoon employees- consistently fell to the floor and thrashed violently in what could only be described as a trauma induced seizure when they heard the winner’s bell for the "Squirt water in the clown’s mouth" game. Ah-ha’s "Take On Me" was the only other sound that caused such a response. This behavior is something only the closest of couples could endure.

3-The Name Factor

With the help of linguist Harry Post, we have found that the term "Lagoon," roughly translated in Anasazi, means "commitment." While the possible effects of this semiotic root may be subliminal and undetectable, the notion of asking a date to go to Lagoon could prove more dangerous than even "I have received personal revelation that you are to marry me." Further study located the term Lagoon to be contained within the dialect of an obscure line of Indian Monks, where it’s meaning is listed as "if you do not return my toast, I will beat you to death with this electric toothbrush." We can draw no conclusions from this latter example.

Could there truly be something behind the Phenomena, Or would it more appropriately be classified under the term "Mormon Folklore?" Either way, at least we'll always have the Fun Dome.