All Holidays Being Equal
As we pass through another holiday season and embark on another semester, a subject of great concern weighs heavily on our minds. An injustice of epic proportions has been ignored for years now, and we can no longer afford to sit about apathetically and let it remain. Naturally we are talking about holiday inequality.
Now, most of the major holidays have enjoyed their own personal icons for years now. Santa Claus, Cupid, The Easter Bunny and various Leprechauns and Goblins have toted the flags of their holidays for quite some time. But what of the other holidays, the lesser holidays? Dont they need mascots? Dont they deserve the same marketability as the Big Five? Obviously!
After extensive thought and research, we have created icons for two such underrepresented holidays, namely, Labor Day and Arbor Day. Long the victims of neglect and abuse, these two holidays will lead the revolution in establishing holiday equality.
For Labor Day we have created Teamster Man. What better icon than the classic blue-collar industrial union member to fight for the neglected holiday? Clothed in flannel, coveralls, hard hat and brandishing a sledgehammer, Teamster Man visits the homes of the faithful late Sunday evening in early September. While good all-American workers sleep amid dreams of excellent working conditions, Teamster Man seeks out time cards left faithfully on kitchen tables next to stacks of bills and bank statements, and replaces them with union benefits. Then, after eating his complimentary round steak and checking the home for safety standards, Teamster Man departs out a basement window.
Arbor Day boasts The Green Thumb, champion of gardening and foliage enthusiasts across the globe. Where the tooth fairy boasts a tutu, we find a leaf-based loin cloth for The Green Thumb, not unlike that of the Jolly Green Giant. But while the Green Giant limits his jurisdiction to canned vegetables, the Green Thumb is a veritable Martha Stewart, an all-knowing garden expert, a hero to all root-bearing organisms. Clutching a pear of pruning shears in one hand and a potpourri bag of seeds in the other, The Green Thumb flashes from yard to yard in the night, planting seeds where there are none, and pruning appreciative foliage in its evening slumber.
Now, if we were to leave you this month right now, we would be ignoring perhaps the most glaring travesty of all .. August. This poor neglected month has no holidays at all, let alone neglected ones. For centuries it has marked the end of summer and the transition back to school, hardly a complimentary role for a month named for Caesar Augustus. For this, we ask your help. August deserves a holiday. You can submit your ideas by e-mailing them firstname.lastname@example.org . Or, if you are aware of an obscure August holiday we have missed, please let us know, so we can give it the mascot it deserves. Please, dont let this month go to waste.