Reciprocity

Looks like this is the last installment of the almost-famous, possibly infamous, and from time-to-time humorous Men on the Moon column. Time to wrap up any unfinished business and get in our last digs before the presses shut down. Basically, it's time to use up the material we haven't published yet.

You know, the one thing that has sustained our labor of love this past year has been the almost constant flow of mail to our desk. Our penthouse office in the Walker Center has looked a lot like the courtroom on Miracle on 34th Street. Some mail has come from fans, some from foes, some from credit card companies, and no postal pouch has been without an unexplained letter of condolence from Wilford Brimley. It's high time we give you (the reader) something back, something specific, something that will let you know that we are listening, and that we care.

So now, from the Men on the Moon mailbag…..

Dear MOTM-

I'm getting married in May, and my Mother and I are trying to come up with something new for the reception. We're just so tired of the standard LDS handshake-and-éclair assembly line. You guys are obviously a veritable fountain of insightful and inventive ideas. What would you suggest?

-D. Reed

MOTM-

We are eagerly anticipating the first official "Lady Liberty"-themed reception. This jovial affair would boast a line of bridesmaids decked out from head to toe in traditional colonial garb, a la Betsy Ross. The Best Man and his entourage would be dressed as minute men, complete with working muskets, and would be in charge of guarding and distributing the cake (a life-size reproduction of Washington crossing the Delaware.) The bride will be draped in all of the splendor of Lady Liberty herself, and would brandish a torch as she stands at the side of her groom, Uncle Sam.

Dear MOTM-

This past school year has been very challenging for me. My classes have been very strenuous, and my dating life is pretty much non-existent. I can't keep a job because I can't stay off of the phone to that Dionne Warwick Psychic Friends network. Your column has been a welcome breath of fresh air to my otherwise putrid and repulsive life. What do you recommend?

-J. Terry

MOTM-

When John Denver died, the only thing that got Venison back on his feet was to curl up with a hearty bowl of Good N’ Plenty and listen to Frank Sinatra's "My Way" on loop for about an hour.

Dear MOTM-

I have a big date planned for this Friday, but I'm worried that I won't have anything interesting to talk about. What are some good topics?

-A. Jarreau

MOTM-

Watch Entertainment Tonight before you pick up your date. It's a reputable source of the steamiest celebrity news and gossip. If conversation is uncharacteristically strained, try the sure-fire "How many kids are in your family?" question. This question can generate hours of meaningless conversation.

Dear MOTM-

I have been doing my geneology and I just discovered that Christopher Walken is a distant uncle of mine. Am I in any danger?

-E. Cleaver

MOTM-

Only if you consider e-mails and letters urging you to watch him as a down-and-out, protagonist farmer in "Jacob Have I Loved" a threat to your safety. Christopher Walken is actually a somewhat down-to-earth guy as long as you haven’t spilled cranberry juice on his white sofa. However, if you had discovered a relation to Alan Rickman or Pete Sampras, we would have suggested contacting the F.B.I. Relocation Services as soon as possible

Dear MOTM-

I am using this letter to inform the world that I have in my possession shooting scripts for the next three Police Academy movies. I have contacted a major, unnamed studio and they have agreed to produce the films and to get Steve Guttenburg to return in the title role as soon as I deliver to them the scripts. I want $1 million in unmarked bills left in the parking lot in front of Saltair or else I will go forward with my plans and deliver the scripts. This is not a joke and, just in case you are suspicious, I am not Steve Guttenburg’s agent.

-name withheld

MOTM-

Calm down! This is not a time to think irrationally. We are sure you need that money for a worthy cause and that you are in a desperate mental state. Before you release those scripts we want you to know that we are trying with all diligence to locate the money. If we can’t find it, however, we urge you to think about what your actions will do to America’s children. All we can say is please, please, please rethink your motives. The ramifications of such a drastic action as creating three more Police Academy movies could be catastrophic.

Dear MOTM-

I think your column is the most nauseating batch of garbage I've read since Oprah started publishing transcripts. Flat jokes, vague tangents, constant references to obscure celebrities no one has heard of, I hope that next year the LDSSA has more sense than to welcome back a couple of no-talent hacks like yourselves. I would expect to read this type of material in Parade Magazine, but not here. My vote is for a cooking column or to start printing Family Circus cartoons.

-B.Keane

MOTM-

How strange is this? We've been trying to sell our idea for a cooking show for months now. It's kind of a fusion between a Martha Stewart show and the Japanese game show Endurance. Various studio audience contestants would try to cook their favorite recipes while the two of us would pelt them with chicken nuggets, pour creamed corn down their backs, and blast Lionel Richie tunes in their ears.

Dear MOTM-

Can Superman really rewind time by flying around the Earth really fast like in 1978's Superman: The Movie? I am a successful tax attorney and I forgot about a game of squash with one of my important clients yesterday. I would be willing to bring Superman on my firm payroll as a consultant and pay him 10-99 for his services if he could get me back in time to make that game.

-M.Cook

MOTM-

Superman is a difficult guy to get in touch with, even for those of us in the journalism field. Even Lois Lane usually had to face certain death in order to get his attention. Two viable alternatives jump to mind. Enclosed in our letter back to you are plans for a Nitrogen Freezing Chamber developed by Dr. Phyllius Von Frauk. This chamber would allow you to remain frozen until millenniums after your client is dead and buried, therefore, eliminating the embarrassment of seeing him after standing him up. If that doesn't work, just remember that no one can stay angry when faced with a moist pile of brownies.

Dear MOTM-

I just wanted to write and say thanks for all you guys do. Brother Presley and I have had the same back issues of the New Era for six months now, so it's nice to read something fresh. Keep up the good work.

-Richard M. Nixon

MOTM-

Thanks for the support, sir. Take good care, and give the king a hug for us.