Public Beefalo Sale Coming in April!

(Originally ran March 29th, 2004)

Circle your calendars, folks. The American Beefalo International Spring Sale is scheduled for April 17th at the MTSU Livestock Pavillion in Murfreesboro, Tennessee. According to the posting on www.cattlepages.com, this spectacular sale is open to the public and will feature Heifers, Bred Cows, Cow/Calf pairs, and Bulls.

I tell you this for two reasons: firstly, to give long overdue appreciation to the dedicated people of Murfreesboro, Tennessee*, none of whom I have ever met. Secondly, to assure you, my reading audience, that I don't bring up topics like American Beefalo or manure-based electricity merely for the sake of getting a column published. Do these issues deserved to be tossed aside like a cheap accordion? No! I have a passion for these topics, people, and I know you do too.

Sure, spring fever may have gripped many of you. The frisbee people are back on the quad, and dudes are out on the TSC patio playing acoustic guitars again. But that doesn't mean we should forget about the impact that dryer sheets have made on our lives, or the fact that we are still living under the impending threat of menacing chimpanzee-operated bio-tech droids.

I've actually got some good news on that topic. According to a Reuters article I came across last week, the same scientists that enabled the monkeys to control robotic arms with sensors implanted in their brains are now saying that the same technique might work with humans.

Thank goodness. Now if Coco the Love Monkey tries to go on a brutal rampage with a mind-controlled battle robot, she'll have to face off with Charleton Heston's butt-whooping techno-bio-suit first.

Speaking of Heston**, ever since I did the baldness article last semester, I've started to notice a lot more guys around campus with shaved heads. It's like when you go shopping for a Chevy Monte Carlo, and suddenly every third person in town has one. I'd like to think that I started a trend, but I'll bet if I started thinking about starting a Mariachi band, I'd start seeing sombreros everywhere.

For those of you that are interested, incidentally, cattlepages.com is a veritable cornocopia of valuable beef-related information. Besides the national event postings, the site also features discussion boards and a chat room. The discussion boards center on important "frequently asked questions" like "how long should a carcass be aged?" "what is Bovine Ocular Neoplasis?" and "where can I learn how to artificially inseminate?"***

I wasn't able to get logged onto the chat room, but I'm sure that the late-night exchanges between seasoned cattlemen must be astounding. Just think, only a few years ago, the only social option for these guys would have been to shoot the bull with a neighboring rancher as they stared off into a gorgeous sunset. Now you can log on in Utah and have stimulating conversation with ranchers as far away as Virginia.

UTAHRANCHER: Nice night, huh?

VIRGINIARANCHER: Yep.

UTAHRANCHER: Gonna be a hot summer.

VIRGINIARANCHER: Yep.

UTAHRANCHER: I hope Bessie doesn't get Bovine Ocular Neoplasis.

VIRGINIARANCHER: Yep.

Of course, if I were a cattleman myself, I wouldn't have to face the harsh reality of finding summer employment once again. Even with my second degree due in May, the most promising option came to me the other night when I was watching the news on TV. Some guy back on the East Coast wanders around piers hiding behind a pair of uprooted bush branches he carries around with him. When tourists walk by, he jumps out from behind them, scares them, then asks them for money. They actually give it to him because he's crazy. The police won't stop him, either, because a court just decided that he wasn't a public nuisance.

What a great gig. Why sit behind a desk for eight hours crunching numbers for some faceless corporate entity when you can stroll around the coast with some shrubbery and scare folks for cold hard cash? You could even pick it up as a part-time job, if you want. Take calls at Convergys by day, hide behind bushes all night. Let the school jack up tuition all they want, we've got it covered, baby.

(WARNING: BAD PUNCHLINE APPROACHING)

Just make sure you don't blow your wad at the Beefalo sale.

* Murfreesboro? Murfreesboro? What names did they turn down? Fartheadville? Moron City? Ogden?

**Charleton Heston is not really bald. I just needed a transition.

***This question has remained unanswered on the discussion board so far, but if you have any suggestions, I'm sure there's a rookie rancher out there that would appreciate your insight.