A Few Thoughts on Shameless Self-Promotion

(Originally ran on April 21st, 2003)

My standard day-to-day concerns are usually inconsequential. The lack of hot water in my apartment, girls that don't return phone calls, a slight bowleggedness that results in uneven wear on the soles of my shoes. These are issues that have yet to threaten the free world, though they can still cause a serious mega-wedgie.

Money is another matter. An extensive evaluation of my financial assets has demonstrated that without a solid job this summer, I will be spending the 2003-04 school year commuting via skateboard and living in the walk-in closet of a short bald man named Lionel. My quest to enrich the lives of professors, peers, and future 2010 students could go unfulfilled, and my dream of having my own daytime talk show may be indefinitely postponed.

My first search for summer profits focused on internships, but David Letterman turned me down, and so did the Deseret News. So unless my old job returns my calls, it looks like I'm stuck looking for a new gig.

Fortunately the job market is in peak condition; frankly I'm surprised my phone hasn't been ringing off the hook with offers already. Just to help all of my prospective employers along, I have decided to take advantage of my little column here to present a briefing of my qualifications; an informal resume, if you will. Viva the free press!

Objective: I am looking for a full-time position that will enable me to maintain a reasonable standard of living, one that will cover rent, insurance, tuition, and high-speed internet. I also have a car payment. I'll need to be able to eat out 3-4 times a week, at Tony Roma's. Sometimes I like to buy CD's in bulk. I'll need two weeks of vacation to spend in Ohio. At some point I'm thinking about dating. I also owe a man named Tony $50,000 by October 24th.

Education: At the moment I am working on a Masters at USU. For the last year I've been using Monty Python to teach composition to freshmen, writing papers on Chicano Nationalism, and playing drums for a Neil Diamond cover band. Before I came to Logan I got a degree at the University of Utah. My course of study escapes me, though I do recall taking beginning ballroom dance twice. In High School I do recall studying the William Golding classic "Lord of the Flies," and I distinctly remember watching a film in American History that cast Louise from Sesame Street as a Native American.

Employment: Before joining the USU English Department I spent five years listening to Barry Manilow while drawing maps for the federal government. My first job was picking beans for an old man that rode a small motorcycle and used a lot of profanity. Other positions have included cartoonist, bouncer, and grocery bagger. While working as a TV cameraman for KSL I stole Mark Eubank's parking space and almost hit Ruth Todd with my camera during a live broadcast. One time I was also paid ten dollars to be in a five-minute romantic comedy.

Applicable Skills: I can use a number of computer software programs to do various important tasks like sending abusive e-mails to local politicians and pasting people's heads on top of funny-looking bodies. I can out-eat anyone in a mini-taco eating competition, and I can think of dozens of diplomatic ways to tell someone that they're stupid. My poached salmon is also heavenly.

Recognition: My various decorations and honors include best French student in Centerville Jr. High, 1991, and Eagle Scout. Back in the 3rd grade, I would have taken first place in multiplication tables if my teacher had been able to read one hastily scribbled answer. Her failure cost me first prize, which I believe was a Hardy Boy's book.

From the information provided above, it should be clear to any prospective employer that I am more than qualified for most any high-paying position. If in fact I still fail to get a job, and am not able to afford to return to Logan next fall, then this column will have to serve as my farewell to all of my loyal readership, and I will spend the summer tubing at Bear Lake with members of the "Bring Back the McPizza" special interest group. As has been my custom, I will leave you with my favorite quotation, made by Revolutionary War hero Patrick Henry: "If this be treason, then let us make the most of it."

See you in the funny papers.