Confucius and River Man Interpret Dreams!
Submit Your Own Dream!

"Last night I had a dream that I was in an executive office with a classmate from my childhood. I can't remember his name, but he had dark hair and had some kind of career in finance. I asked him what he did specifically, and when he gave me a vague answer I was offended and asked him if he thought I wasn't bright enough to understand financial theory. A friend from the mission field was also in the room, but he didn't say anything. After I confronted my childhood classmate, a four foot wave of Pepsi Cola flowed into the room (with ice), flooding it and ruining the pair of black wingtips I had removed to air out my socks."

Dream submitted by writer on 9/20--name withheld

 CONFUCIUS: This actually reminds me of a dream of my own from several years ago. The primary difference was that instead of a four-foot wall of Pepsi Cola, it was a seventy-foot fountain of Pace Picante Sauce that flooded the room.

RIVER MAN: Ribbit.

CONFUCIUS: Here is your interpretation:

The Finance Man and the Mission Friend: Here we have a very clear representation of different elements of your personal life, IE, your religious experience and your professional career. Your chiding of the finance man is a clear indicator of a deep-rooted inferiority complex that stems from either math anxiety or a long-held man-crush on Albert Einstein. Which of course is understandable. The fact that the finance man is an acquaintance from your youth suggests that this anxiety in part stems from several deep searching questions you have entertained regarding the adult you have turned out to be. In essence, your inner child is confronting your adult self with an accusing finger.

The Pepsi Wave: Here we have the traditional "white knight" of consumerism to save the day for the damsel (you) in distress (because of your unsatisfying life). Rather than address your problems with any degree of assertiveness or practicality, you instead turn to the all-powerful media for your comfort and deliverance, washing your sorrows away in a caffinated liquid binge that would make Hunter Thompson blush.

The Wingtip Shoes: The ultimate victim of your actions is your professional career, represented by the wingtip shoes. Even while you air out your stinky socks (symbolic of indulgence in bad habits), your very livelihood is drowned in the process.

I'm very sorry, but this dream is a very clear signal that you are wasting your life away, and must revert soon before you complete your journey towards becoming a completely worthless self-loathing wretch with nothing better to do for society than steal some of its depleting oxygen from a more-worthy candidate.


"My dream is very simple, but quite confusing. I'm not sure what to make of it. In it I'm driving a white Mitsubishi Eclipse with Salma Hayek riding shotgun. This by itself wouldn't be so alarming, but it seems that we're in a parking lot popping wheelies. Any ideas?"

Dream submitted by writer on 9/15--name withheld

CONFUCIUS: As is often the case, your dream is more of a static image as opposed to a continual narrative. Since there is no storyline to follow, the best we can do is give you a sense of what each individual element of the dream could mean.

RIVER MAN: Ribbit.

CONFUCIUS: Of course, it may just be that you can't remember the narrative of the dream, in which case there may be more here than meets the eye. If you do recall any additional information, please let us know.

RIVER MAN: Ribbit.

CONFUCIUS: Here is your interpretation:

The Mitsubishi Eclipse: It is not uncommon for males to have dreams centered on automobiles. Often they are a symbol of a masculinity either attained or desired. However, in this case the car in question is a Mitsubishi Eclipse, which rates maybe a 2 out of 10 on the machismo scale. Even worse, this Eclipse is white, a color few if any males ever choose voluntarily. Would Magnum PI have driven a white Ferrari? Would David Hasselhoff drive a white Kitt? Absolutely not. The Eclipse is therefore a sign of emasculation, plain and simple.

Salma Hayek: Normally this would be an acceptable indicator of any typical male goal: namely, to impress an attractive woman like Salma Hayek. However, Salma is one of the premier Latin actresses on the scene today, which suggests that what your subconscious is really pondering is a question of diversity. In your case, a lack of it.

Popping Wheelies: In the world of rational physics, a Mitsubishi Eclipse would not usually be capable of popping a 'wheelie', unless it were equipped with a serious hydraulic system. In your case it seems the wheelie is more indicative of a deep psychological concern, perhaps an expression of a deeply recessed anger, frustration at the system you try so hard to get a grip on. Perhaps the NASDAQ.

Ultimately, the primary message of this dream is to diversify your portfolio, like any real man would.


"In my dream the house I live in has a very elaborate vegetable garden in the backyard, which has produced massive vegetables (watermelon-sized tomatoes) for reasons I can only assume fall under experience and TLC. I also have a nanny in my employ, who consistently makes meals my friends and I religiously try to avoid (one of my friends seems to be deceased SNL-allumn Chris Farley). In my living room I also have a domesticated seven-foot bright green alligator. A small radio in my basement tells me of a recent Native American revolt, but when I head out to find out what is going on, I find that the Great Salt Lake has flooded, nearly doubling in size and drastically altering the usual shorelines along Davis County. At one point the water reaches all the way to the Centerville frontage road on the East side, completely wiping all of West Bountiful out of existence. As I look north, I can see the outline of the Grand Tetons blended with the perfect blues of the sky and the flooded lake. I backtrack into the downtown area, only to get in a serious altercation with a group of incompetent street gang members who insist on carrying around zippo lighters all of the time. Contrary to my usual dreams, I fight quite well, dispatching them with ease."

Dream submitted by writer on 8/23--name withheld.

CONFUCIUS: This is a very elaborate and complex dream, but when broken down into individual elements, you will find it is actually quite easy to interpret.

RIVER MAN: Ribbit.

CONFUCIUS: The interpretation is as follows:

The Vegetable Garden: This is a symbol of fertility, and a telling one at that. You are concerned about your lack of posterity, particularly in light of your obvious capacity (keyed by the oversized vegetables).

The Nanny: A classic power symbol, in this case, a token of your own powerlessness in the face of an oppressive social economy. Good employment would provide you with the agency to choose your meals, but instead you are at the mercy of a stringent budget, which limits you to a daily regiment that is not only limiting but also health-threatening (hence Chris Farley).

The Alligator: In symbols such as this, color is the key. A blue alligator would symbolize prosperity, red social success. Your alligator is green, symbolizing death.

The Native American Revolution: If the dreamer was a Native American themselves, the interpretation would be obvious, and would have wasted $34.99 sending it to us. But assuming the dreamer isn't, this could be a foreboding symbol of an impending revolution by another marginalized group, in this case, Neil Diamond fans.

The Flood: While this could easily be interpreted as another oppression symbol, the curious historic prophecy of early Davis area settler Harry DuBois makes this a puzzler. The following was taken from a West Bountiful traffic court hearing in 1976:

"You West Bountiful bums gonna get your come-uppance, I tells-ya! A ticket for driving three miles over? What a load! Great Salt Lake's gonna fix your snob-tootin' mugs, you watch!"

The Grand Tetons: Mountains can represent a variety of symbolic intents, but usually the Tetons are no more than a subconcious attempt to provide a scenic background for our dreams.

The Incompetent Street Gang: This one is truly a puzzler. Usually, as you indicate, such altercations are a symbol of frustration, as the dreamer finds themselves incapacitated and unable to fight/run up to their usual abilities. This would fall completely in line with the early frustration symbols of the garden, the nanny, and the flood. But the fact that you handled the gang quite easily suggests an inner identity fighting to get out. Perhaps it is time for a career change. You could take a nod directly from your dream, and go door-to-door selling the zippo's your gang carries so loyally.




Confucius and River Man are Josh's fish and frog, respectively, and do not espouse any real psychic powers. Josh does not wish to endorse such psychic powers, which is why he gave the responsibility to his fish and frog in the first place.

To have your dream interpreted by Confucius and River Man, send it to


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