Subject: Debbie Jo Stanz

Home: Annapolis, Maryland

Occupation: Executive Secretary, Boomtown Demolition

  1. Flattened thumb tip indicates many hours spent pinching gum wads under tables.
  2. Slight blue coloration suggests bruised, weakened condition, possibly from recent altercation with local drug lord or White Castle cashier.
  3. Leather watchband indicates interest in time.
  4. Shiny area indicates weakness for David Hasslehoff.
  5. Index fingernail visible above fingertip suggests distracted nail maintenance while thinking about David Hasslehoff.


Subject: Edward "Eddie" Hirch

Home: Pocatello, Idaho

Occupation: Manager, Speedy Keys

  1. Glow behind pinky knuckle indicates presence of at least fifty-five magic elves mining for diamonds.
  2. Abnormally long thumb indicates fine taste in home décor, specifically end tables.
  3. Crease in mid-lower palm indicates flexibility typically associated with higher-developed species. Subject identity ranges between Homo Sapiens and Coprophagic Procimien.
  4. Fine wood grain indicative of wood.
  5. Hairy white wrist indicates "not an outdoorsy guy". Must have difficulty in dating and social situations.




Confucius and River Man are Josh's fish and frog, respectively, and do not espouse any real psychic powers. Josh does not wish to endorse such psychic powers, which is why he gave the responsibility to his fish and frog in the first place.

To have your palm read by Confucius and River Man, send a photo to


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